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Thu, Jul. 19th, 2007, 01:29 am

I’ve decided to go on hiatus, to retreat. I need time to sort out my life, make sense of what has happened. I can’t understand how someone could be so callous and cruel.

This will be my last post for the time being, if things take a turn for the better maybe I’ll be back on here in the late fall.

Now if only I could forget the last three years of my sad little life…

Fri, Jul. 13th, 2007, 02:03 pm
Wow, that’s all I have to say.

At Red Lobster there are suppose to be four managers. We lost our General Manager last winter for stealing money and food from the restaurant. I just found out that we lost another manager. Apparently our culinary manager was arrested for molesting three boys ages 11-13 and performing sex acts on one of them.
Yet another reason I am happy to leave Red Lobster.
In a sad way I feel good; not because of the manager getting arrested or the three boys. Rather knowing that one of “his” friends, who hurt me, used to sleep with the accused and would give him blow jobs in the office. This goes out to you Ms. Cook; you sure know how to pick them. You try giving me advice on my relationship, and little did you know you were fucking an accused child predator, Bravo!

Two more days left in Indiana.

Wed, Jul. 11th, 2007, 03:53 am

"So when they tell you up and down that it just will not fly
Well you take a deep breath and you look them in the eye -
you say "I wish I could believe you but it's not in my constitution,
why don't you sit yourself down and watch my small revolution'"
- Lindsay Mac

Stolen from Jan, but I love it. I fucking love it.

Tue, Jul. 10th, 2007, 04:24 am
Ciao Lobster.

I’m quitting my job at Red Lobster; I put my two week notice in at the start of this month. My last day is this coming Sunday and then I’m free. I can’t wait, to leave this mess behind. To hell with it all, Muncie, Red Lobster, Ball Fucking State, and the whole reason I came over here in the first place. I will find someway to survive. I’m leaving Indiana and I don’t know when I’ll be back. I want to graduate from Ball State, but that’s not in the cards right now. (not until I learn how to shit money) I have several options open. However I won’t know where I’ll end up till the end of this week. I’ve always wanted to see Louisiana. I have friends in Boston and Canada I’ve been meaning to go visit as well.

Oh and I should have my passport by the end of this month.
If you have any ideas, I’m all ears.

Tue, Jul. 3rd, 2007, 02:11 am

I feel so low, so sad right now. This summer is turning out to be horrible. I look back at how happy I was at this date one year ago and I can't even grasp how much my life has changed. Its like a bad dream that just won't end. Its as if all the momentum in my life has come to a complete halt. I started sliding backwards back in May and everyday that passes the speed picks up. Spinning out of control, trying to keep my head above the water, I feel so lost. Sometimes its too much for me. I used to cry and afterwords I would feel better, like I had "let it all out". But now when I cry it doesn't help. The tears stop, my eyes burn, my stomach turns and I end up doubled over, dry heaving because of all the anxiety inside of me. I lay in bed, my head pounding, my chest is sore and my hands shake. We have all heard of stories where a spouse is widowed and ends up dying shortly after. The doctors say that after one of them left this earth it was too much for the other. That they simply didn't have the will to keep on living. Thats how I feel.

But its so much more then him leaving me. Its Muncie, its Ball State, its my parents messy divorce. Its too much and everyday that goes by only confirms my fears that I will not be able to recover from this summer; at least not in the near future. I want to escape, I want to go somewhere that I will be happy. But I know of no such place. Everywhere I can think of is tainted with past memories, memories that torment and haunt me. Times I cannot let go of. I am becoming emotionally dead. I can't remember the last time I felt 100% carefree and happy. The only feelings I have inside of me now are those of sorrow, loss, and pain. However the worse one of all, a void that has been left in my life, one I don't think I will ever be able to fill.

Wed, Jun. 27th, 2007, 04:11 pm
I need to post!

Life is changing fast. When doors close windows open, such is the story of the past week. Went to Chicago for 4 days, job interview, moving, school stuff. I'm not going to go into more detail until things are set in stone, papers signed and meetings held.

Not everything has been so happy, I'm still struggling. He showed up last night, had a fight. Wanted to hug me, pushed him away and cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to believe anymore, its like the past three years were all but a dream. Life goes on...

Thu, Jun. 21st, 2007, 02:26 pm

I'm at Red Lobster waiting tables when I see another boy walk in. Very cute, sits as one of Jason's tables. The boy talks to Jason and then I see the boy give Jason a necklace and tell him he loves Jason. Jason puts the necklace on and tells the other boy that he loves him too.
I start crying, I run up to Jason and ask him "how can you say you love someone when you have just left me?!". He says "I don't know, I just love him more then you, get out of my face".
I run out the door and jump into my car. I sit in my car crying uncontrollably as I watch Jason walk out of the restaurant with his new lover. Jason kisses the boy and tells him again how much he loves him. I speed off to the house we both used to live in. I call Jason and tell him he has to come to the house and talk to me. He doesn't want to, but he ends up saying he will.
I get to the house, leave the door unlocked and go into the bedroom. I sit on the bed we used to sleep on together just crying my heart out. I hear Jason pull up to the house and get out of his car. He comes into the house and walks into the bedroom. Seeing me sitting on the bed crying, he coldly asks, "what the fuck is wrong with you? Get over it". I say, "Jason I love you and you are killing everything inside of me." He starts to turn around and head for the door. I scream, "wait, don't leave me!"
He turns around and as I make eye contact with him I pull a gun our from behind my back and cock the trigger. I tell him one last time how much I loved him. I put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. My brains and blood splatter the wall behind me ruining the flower pictures we had hanging above the bed.

Its at this point I woke up this morning, crying and shaking. These are what my dreams are like, sleep isn't even an escape from the pain anymore.

Wed, Jun. 20th, 2007, 09:05 am

Its over. I just returned from campus, there is no way I can pay Ball State. I can't go to school next fall and I'm going to have to drop my summer class. I've lost everything, my family, my home, Jason and my dreams of graduating from college. I can't stop crying, I had to hold back from crying in the Bursar's office, I am such a failure. That small dim flicker of hope I had has gone out. I don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I wish he was here, I need someone to hug and me and tell me its going to be ok. I'm so scared, I just don't know what to do.

Wed, Jun. 20th, 2007, 03:04 am

Nothing like being in Blockbuster and watching your ex-boyfriend of the past three years walk in with his new fling. He can say whatever he wants, but I'm almost positive they are sleeping together. I wish I could get over someone so fast and pretend like the last three years of my life didn't happen. Must be nice to break up with someone and turn around and start fooling around with another boy... I guess I'll never know what thats like, I'm not that shallow.

I'm sick of his lies and the mind games. He needs to stop using Grad School and his parents as an exscuse to leave me. He just wants to be a little slut and fuck around. The sad thing is he knows its true, but he'll never admit to it.

Mon, Jun. 18th, 2007, 02:30 pm

So I just got back from my first day of summer class, what joy! I made the horrible choice to walk to campus from my house, and I felt like I was going to melt. I really want a bike.

I'm still fighting for some sort of tuition aid, if I can't find some way to pay for school by the end of this week I'm going to have to drop out. Its really sad, I've wasted so much money going to BSU paying out-of-state tuition, all for someone who is leaving me. Yet people tell me I shouldn't be bitter. If I can't pay for school and I have to drop out, it will be the death of me. There is no way I can start paying my student loans without my B.S. I'll have to default and god knows what. I'm losing everything because of him. I hope he has fun in Chicago and Grad School. If I had just stayed in Ohio, if I had been selfish and only thought about me this wouldn't be happening. I hope one day when I'm broke and poor (oh wait I already am) and he has his Masters, his career and some new boy to replace me, he will look back and see how much I sacrificed to be with him.

This is all too much for me. Him leaving me, my parents divorcing, struggling to find someway to pay for school; I feel so incredibly numb to everything around me. I guess I'm in shock that this is happening to me, that this is how my life is turning out to be.

If I didn't have my mom I don't know what I would do. I scare myself, but sometimes I sit back and can understand what was goes through the minds of people who take their lives, when they feel like they have lost everything.
I'm not going to attempt taking my life, I know I'd fail. That would just be another thing to add to my long list of failures.

I've been watching this movie over and over again call "DownFall". Its an amazing German movie about the last days of Nazi Germany and the fall of Berlin. There are certain themes that continue in the movie, suicide when your world is ending and the shock people feel when they can't believe whats happening around them. But I love this one line where one of the co-stars reminds Traudl Junge (Hitlers secretary) who is crying and shaking that, "life will go on, it always does somehow" (sic) And thats what I tell myself, that somehow life will go on. I don't know how it will, but somehow my life will go on.

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